"...followed by a brisk mauling."

This is my 1000th post. I started this Tumblog a year ago today. So much has happened. So much has changed.

I finally feel like my life is back on track. I finally feel like a success. I finally like myself more often than I hate myself. I finally have found peace.

There are still things that anger me, or that frustrate me. There are still things in my life I would like to change. There are still things in my life that I wish were not there. Nothing is perfect, and nothing ever will be. Perfection is an impossible standard.

But.

Ignoring my physical health (or lack of it), my life feels good for the first time in five years.

+ I have friends I feel comfortable and safe with, regardless of what’s going on.

+ I’ve reached a place where I can acknowledge my DID without being controlled by it. A place where I’m not entirely integrated (I don’t think I ever will be), but a place where the fractured selves (my fragments, others, personalities, alters, whatever you want to call them) can, for the most part, collaborate together in a fairly harmonious way. My DID, for the most part, is no longer a coping mechanism, nor a challenge to overcome, but simply part of me, of my identity, of ourself.

+ I received my internship grade this morning. My GPA is now a 3.1 (3.097, but I’m rounding). For the first time since my Fall semester freshman year, I feel like my GPA is an actual reflection of my success and my abilities, rather than of my failures and problems.

+ I’ve reached a point where I know that I am capable of achieving my goals and dreams, most particularly towards my career. My internship at SAVES was hard, and there were things I wanted to do that I can’t handle yet, but I know that it will come in time. I know now that if I go on to get my MSW or to work as an advocate, I can and will be able to do so healthily. As well, my internship helped me learn how to own myself as a survivor, how to acknowledge my past without letting it control me or overwhelm all other parts of me.

+ Not a day goes by that I don’t think of him. Not a day goes by that I don’t check the cars driving by or the people I run into on the street to make sure they’re not him. But for the first time, I don’t feel controlled by him. I feel controlled by myself.

+ I have faith. It’s strange to be an atheist for 22 years, and then in 4 months completely change my belief system, to for the first time ever have actual faith in something. But accepting Allah, practicing Islam, becoming Muslim—it has largely been a positive experience. For the first time ever, my resting state isn’t depression or anger; it’s peace. Peace. I feel safe, comforted, competent, and worthwhile. I am not just content, but truly happy. And Islam has brought that to me. Allah’s strength, wisdom, grace, glory, and mercy have brought me to a place where I can take pride in myself, in my identity, and in my community. Islam has, by far, been a hugely positive step. I am happy. I have faith.

I am reborn.

Meka: Well, an 11-point game, huh? If you’ll excuse me, I’ma go sacrifice some tobacco to the basketball gods.

Meka, coming back in 10 minutes later: Did it work?

Eric C: No, go smoke another.

***

Allyn: What, no! That’s not a foul! No way that’s a foul!

Greg: Yeah, what the hell?

Rachel: No way.

Eric C: No, it is; he touched his penis.

(silence)

Eric C: I’m telling you, I’m watching all those penises, one of ‘em got touched.

***
The Guy Who Works at Dunkin Donuts: Hey, you, you live next to me, right?

Meka: I dunno. What’s your name?

The Guy: 105.

Allyn: Man, good parenting on that one.

Meka: Yeah… I live in 104, yeah.

The Guy: You snore so loud.

(Awkward Silence)

Meka: Aight, I’ma keep the breathing down to a minimum tonight, but if it gets too loud again, you just come in and smother me with a pillow, aight?

The Guy: I’m down with that.