"...followed by a brisk mauling."

So I’m on a dating website because someone sent my old profile mail and I like to respond to that, because I think it’s polite. And I keep seeing profiles for FSF that look like this:

”*im not looking for someone in a relationship, or some one who is bi nothing against you as people i just don’t believe bisexuality is something you should identify as being bisexual is something you do as a teen/young adult then grow out of you can’t have both, or wants there boyfriend to join, or watch sorry that’s pathetic*”

Really? I mean, really? I mean, fuck. I forgot how close-minded so many people can be. I mean, you’re a self-identified lesbian, you’re obviously out enough to be searching for someone to date, and you get that people are heterosexual as well as homosexual, because, well, 90% of what you see outside of your own life in this country is hetero-based, and you’re STILL that close-minded that you think bisexuality is just a phase? What, your sexuality is such an active choice that you’d enjoy fucking men and women but you’ve grown up enough now to decide that chicks are where it’s at?
I mean, fuck.
As a queer Muslim with some serious past trauma, it’s hard enough for me to feel accepted and safe. I mean, I don’t feel like I can be myself at work, or with most people out in public, or with anyone I know who is Muslim. The one place, the one fucking place where I always feel like I fit in is within my community’s queer populace. And then it turns out that so many people within the LGBT+ community apparently believe that:

1. Sexuality isn’t a choice

2. Sexuality can vary; say, between heterosexual and homosexual 

3. People who claim they are bisexual or pan or omni or whatever are going through a phase/immature/playing/whatever-the-fuck.

And I’m really fucking sick of it. Okay? I’m just done with this fucking messed-up stereotype. Okay? Where the fuck did it even come from? Just let me say this, okay? 

I’m not a lesbian. I’m not straight. I’m not even really bisexual, because I’ve been attracted to people who don’t fit into a female or male gender and saying I’m bisexual sounds to me too close to denying them their gender identity.
This doesn’t make me immature. It doesn’t mean I’m going through a phase.
It’s just that I’m emotionally and physically attracted to PEOPLE, of multiple genders, and that’s who the fuck I am.

Please get the fuck over yourself.

/rant

So there’s this woman on Tumblr who apparently posted something that basically said that, if you dress provocatively and drink, you don’t deserve sympathy for being raped; basically, that it’s your own fault.

There’s a lot of anger out there right now at her, and a lot of people being pretty hateful towards her. I definitely believe she’s completely wrong; I definitely believe that such an attitude can not only cause harm to people who’ve been assaulted but also perpetuate modes of thinking that implicitly accept rape as inevitable.  I can understand the anger and comprehend the hate towards her words, though they aren’t emotions I share; at least, not at her. Anger at the patriarchal systems which teach these very implicit lessons being parroted out of the mouths of people who consider themselves feminists? Sure. Confusion at the (to me) cognitive disconnect necessary to be both a feminist and believe rape, in certain circumstances, is deserved? Most definitely. But I’m not angry at her. Here’s why:

First, I’m going to be honest here, and acknowledge that I’ve been raped, and that I may thus not be the most objective observer. But I’m a women’s & gender studies major who volunteers at a rape crisis center and plans to do advocacy work until ze dies.
And to this day, there are still times where I catch myself thinking things like: Why is ze wearing that? or Doesn’t ze realize that’s dangerous? or Ze didn’t mean to hurt zir, ze was drunk. or What the hell were you thinking, going somewhere alone with a guy you didn’t know well?
And that is in no way okay. Thankfully, I understand that, and I’ve never once said such things out loud, and I become very angry at myself whenever I catch myself thinking things like that. The issue is, as conscious as I am about sexual assault and where the blame lies (always on the perpetrator), I still sometimes slip into the thought traps that we are surrounded with each and every day in this patriarchal, authoritarian, fucked-up world.

And this is relevant, because I had this same discussion last night with friends (all of whom I consider highly intelligent and respect deeply). That preventing rape is a woman’s duty, not a man’s. That women need to learn self-defense, or be armed. And it wasn’t until I spoke up that people started to re-think what they were saying, that by saying it was a woman’s job to prevent a possible attack, that they were putting the blame for the crime on the woman. That arming women with knives, guns, or anti-rape condoms actually increases the mortality of sexual assaults. That the solution to rape is not to keep women out of situations where they may be raped, but to keep men from raping. (Also, rape is not only a male crime. Rape is not only against females. People of all genders and all sexes can rape and can be raped. But for the purposes of this discussion, I’m going to use that stereotypical male-perpetrator/female-victim dichotomy because that’s what’s being used in these discussions).

I’m in no way saying that this woman who made these statements is not responsible for them, or for the pain they can/have caused. I’m in no way saying that it’s wrong to be angry at her. But I believe she speaks out of ignorance; from what she’s said, it seems like she’s never been sexually assaulted or spoken to a known victim about their experiences and looked at it from their eyes, that she’s speaking from a distant privileged standpoint of never-been-raped.
I’m in no way saying her words didn’t anger me. I’m in no way saying they didn’t frustrate me. I think, and I may be wrong, that she speaks from ignorance, not from wanting to cause pain. And ignorance is not going to become knowledge by attacking her.

What I’m saying is, I don’t think yelling at, harassing, or insulting someone is a helpful method of education. I don’t think she’s going to look at all the nasty things people are saying and think “Huh, maybe I’m wrong.” That maybe rather than getting into huge, swear-filled arguments, that a respectful, polite, and calm discussion about why we believe anyone with such viewpoints is wrong may be a more helpful manner of engaging a possible change of thinking.

I don’t know. I often run into issues in gender studies or women’s rights where people—who have every right to be—are so angry that they can’t possibly approach the situation from a calm, collected standpoint. That sometimes we yell and scream and rail at the world so much that we miss the opportunity to actually speak to people, to persuade and teach and convince. I get kind of frustrated with that, too.